


My Memory of You

by BeGruff (Bonbonsie)



Category: Rush (2013)
Genre: Cliche, Death Fic, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Maybe a bit comfort in the end, SO MUCH Cliche, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:22:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27175837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonbonsie/pseuds/BeGruff
Summary: Niki revealed secrets that he had kept from James for so many years.
Relationships: James Hunt/Niki Lauda
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	My Memory of You

**Author's Note:**

> This story took place after June 15, 1993. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH WARNING.
> 
> The title is loosely based on the lyrics in 'tears of laughter' by Steve Pemberton & Reece Sheersmith, 'Because laughter is my memory of you'.

‘Arsehole.’ 

  
That’s the first word Niki said after he went into the room.

  
James rolled his eyes, ‘Niki, really? After such a long time.’

  
Niki didn’t look at him. He just continued his ranting, ‘You are the worst friend in the world.’

  
James shrugged helplessly, ‘Niki, this time is not really my fault. I mean, I bloody tried.’

  
‘To be honest, I am not surprised about it. Because that’s just you, James. Being a douchebag to everyone, didn’t care about others’ feelings at all.’ Niki raised his voice, not hiding an iota of his anger.

  
‘Alright, Niki. This is enough. I am not like that, alright? Not anymore.’ James raised up his hands, trying to get his friend’s attention.

  
‘Last time, when we met in London, what did you promise me? You said you would come to Vienna and share the _Egon Muller*_ with me.’

  
‘Okay, I regret that, too. Even I don’t drink much these days, but I still would love to try something over £12,000 a bottle. I hope you didn’t drink it alone.’ James made a face, he seemed quite upset for not be able to taste the white wine.

  
‘You know I hate to drink alone.’ Niki sighed, leaning on the edge of table in front of him.

  
‘I’m always amazed that as a misanthrope, you would hate to drink alone. I used to think that you have to throw every other out of the room before you popped a bottle.’ James laughed good-natured. He just remembered Niki’s sulking face that he had to wait for James coming back from work to share a cheap wine when they shared the flat in London.

  
‘And what’s with that new girlfriend that you bragged so often that I want to slap you? Thought you’re going to make me an ugly jealousy mess? Guess what, I learnt her name on my way here from a fucking sports reporter. James, I feel offended.’

  
‘Sorry about that, her name’s Helen.’ James winked at the furious Austrian, trying to lighten the mood, ‘ She’s all dazzling and gorgeous. The exact kind you would love to date and marry.’

  
But Niki obviously didn’t listen to him at all. ‘You kept telling me things that you’re gonna do, but you fucking broke your promise one after another. I doubt why I still remain friends with you.’

  
‘Maybe you love me?’ James asked questioningly, a little bit hopeful even.

  
‘My parents always said you are a bad influence, but I supposed I was too young and my mind was full of rebellious thoughts against them. So I chose to stick with you as pals because that’s the easiest way to piss them off.’ Niki laughed a little. He now looked bit sad. James didn’t like Niki being sad.

  
‘Niki, no offense. But your papa and grandpapa are the meanest sons of bitches I have ever met in my life. And for god’s sake, I’m bloody English.’ James, still watching Niki’s face, blurted out anyway. ‘I’m not sorry for calling them out.’

  
‘Can you imagine how infuriating they were after you called my father and grandfather ‘most pathetic and dislikable genetic duo’ in the world and how grateful you are that I, am the variation of the best combination.’ Niki said flatly, but his smirk was too obvious to neglect.

  
‘I was telling the truth. As a matter of fact, I think your parents should be even more pious to God because they have the luck to bear a son like you.’ James returned the smirk.

  
‘It was the worst time that I witnessed my grandfather went ballistic.’ Niki shook his head, ‘And you don’t know how much I enjoyed it.’ 

  
‘Oh, I know.’ James’ smirk deepened, ‘Your face told me everything.’

  
‘I always stand up against those who rub me on the wrong side.’ Niki said unwaveringly.

  
‘Yeah, certainly. How many times you called me ‘arseholes’ even I didn’t deserve it.’ James chastised him half seriously.

  
‘But it was good to know that someone would always have my back and support me out there.’ Niki’s appearance softened. 

  
‘I failed you at Nürburgring.’ James’ voice darkened, ‘The accident should never happen to you.’

  
‘I know you always beat yourself up for Nürburgring. Even after I told you countless times that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. We raced with our life. It’s pre-safety era, James. That’s why we kept telling the FIA to modernize and update the facilities and protocols for the racing. Look how far we have been.’ Niki’s face lit up, ‘I’m so proud of you.’ 

  
‘I am proud of you too, Niki.’ James echoed.

  
‘We still have a lot of things to do. A lot of young drivers to help. You know Michael? Michael Schumacher, he will be SOMEONE in the near future. Probably break mine and Ayrton’s record.’ Niki nodded approvingly, ‘Sometimes, I feel pressured to be looked upon too much from those young men.’

  
‘Oh, C’mon. They love me more.’ James interrupted ruthlessly.

  
Yet Niki seemed not be affected at all. He stepped up the stairs, getting close to the podium. On the podium, there was an open casket. 

  
Niki stared at the person laying in the casket intensively, eyes gluing to the pale face.

  
It was James’ face.

  
James looked at himself in the casket. Just days before, he felt uncomfortable about his heart and went to the hospital. The doctor said it wasn’t a big deal. All he needed to do was to lie down.  
But he didn’t make it. 

  
When he woke up again, he was in the funeral house with a casket carrying his body.

‘How could you do anything if you need to lie in this place all the time?’ Niki murmured, ‘How could you listen to things that haven’t been said while need to be said?’

  
James’ heart beat up quickly. Even though he didn’t have a heartbeat at all. He’s a bloody ghost now, yet he still could sense his nervousness when Niki lowered his voice.

  
He was always bit nervous around Niki. No matter how long and how close they had been friends with each other. Because you never would be totally relaxing around someone you were deeply in love with.

  
James loved Niki. When they were still kids, long before they became world-known and champions. Long before they got married. Long before James realized that Niki and him would never become the way he wanted to. But he so accepted it. As long as he could be the person Niki always turned to for help, comfort and hugs, James was more than satisfied.

  
James watched Niki touch his face, slowly sliding through his closed-eyes, nose and lips. 

  
‘I bet my face felt awful now.’ James scratched his face, trying to be humorous. Even Niki couldn’t hear him at all.

  
Niki rested his hand on the left side of James’ face. James could see Niki’s finger rub lightly. 

  
James jumped off from the other side of the table, standing closer to Niki. He covered his hand on Niki’s, dyting to sooth him. But Niki obviously wouldn’t sense it at all.

  
‘There are a lot of things I haven’t told you, James.’ Niki choked slightly with an escaped sob.

  
‘You can tell me now, Niki.’ James’ eyes were so soft that if Niki could see him, he wouldn’t doubt how strong the taller man felt for him.

  
‘All the days we’ve been together. All the races, moments of joy and sadness. I know you will understand even we didn’t tell each other. You are my best friend and rival.’ Niki spoke in a much lower voice, touching the embossment on the casket.

  
‘You are a selfish bastard. You always acted so recklessly. You never stopped for anyone. Just walking in the path that you think you should follow.’ Niki smiled, ‘Well, for that, we are the same. I can’t really blame you, but I still want to punch your stupid face.’

  
James grimaced, circling his transparent fingers around Niki’s wrist. ‘Oh, Niki. That will hurt like a fuck.’

  
‘You probably will say it hurts like fuck.’ Niki laughed, ‘You know, the press used to say that you, among all the fellow drivers, are one of the kind that always swear with F-word whenever you speak.’

  
‘Well, guilty as charged.’ James laughed along. He loved seeing Niki laugh. He always thought that his overbite looked even cuter when he was joyful. God, he really loved Niki, didn’t he?

  
‘You are too young.’ Niki whispered, ‘You are too young to leave, James.’

  
‘Life is just getting better, and where the heck are you going?’ Niki finally couldn’t put up with it, tears dropping down, right on the wooden surface.

  
‘ _Niki._ ’

  
‘You promise me to introduce Helen to me. To make me envy you, and get my feelings reignited for new romance.’ Niki was sobbing now, voice shaking like hell.

  
‘But you just left. You didn’t give me the chance to see you happy again. You didn’t give me the chance to see you together with another wonderful woman. You didn’t give me to chance to stop loving you like a fool.’ Niki’s tears fell down violently. His hand grasped tightly around the edge, knuckles turning white.

  
James was stunned. He couldn’t believe what he just heard. He never thought Niki would love him back. Not in that way. Niki always treated him as a good friend and confidante. They could talk about anything except for those unlabeled feelings deep down their hearts.

  
‘I loved you.’ Niki confessed heartbrokenly, ‘I still do. I don’t think I will ever stop.’ 

  
James found his face wet. He rubbed his eyes forcefully, now he knew that ghost cry, too.

  
James tried desperately to hold Niki, but nonetheless his hands passed through Niki’s body. He was yelling, yet no one could hear. 

  
Niki bent over and left a small kiss on the forehead of the James in the casket, who now lied peacefully. He really looked like that he just fell asleep and would soon get up, exuding his rampant personality again. 

  
James concentrated his mind on one of the balloons nearby. He needed to tell Niki. No matter in what way. He had to, or he wouldn’t be able to leave in peace.

  
He gritted his teeth, face reddened massively. All of a sudden, the balloon was loosening from the pole. James knew it worked. He put more force onto the balloon. Gradually, he felt himself become lighter and lighter.

  
The balloon flew gently and insistently towards Niki. As if someone controlled its direction. When it landed near the sorrow Austrian, it stopped. The balloon started circling around Niki, slowly but steadily.

  
Niki was astonished at first. But it didn’t take too long for him to ask tentatively, ‘James?’

  
After the name coming out, Niki instantly felt himself stupid. But to his deepest amazement, the balloon slowly danced closer and touched his forehead softly.

  
‘Mein Gott.’ Niki inhaled disbelievingly. He reached out to touch the balloon. The balloon now hanged around Niki’s hands, as if it was reluctant to part from his touch.

  
Niki never believed in supernatural phenomenon. Maybe he would change his mind afterwards, if that meant he could communicate with James right now.

  
Niki held the balloon and talked for hours while he sat next to James’ casket. He talked about their good old times. Their dramatic rivalry during the 70s, friendship and his admiration of James being James.

  
Certainly, Niki wouldn’t omit to tell that how much he loved him.

  
Until Niki’s voice went hoarse. Until he stopped crying.

  
****  
Many people came to James’ funeral, more than Niki had expected. He knew James was likeable and popular, but still. He was surprised to see Daniele there, even more so, Daniele was hugging Alastair and whispering soft words to the latter.

  
He finally met Helen. That beautiful and brave young woman shook his hand and embraced him a tightly.

  
'James always talked about you. I’m sorry that we met under such a situation, but it is still huge pleasure.’

  
Niki was sure that this woman would be the ‘Real One’ for James, if he ever could have the opportunity. He told her that if she needed anything or even just wanted to talk, she could always call him. Whenever she felt the need. 

  
Alistair told him that they would throw a big party for James, to celebrate his legendary life. ‘He will be livid to miss so much fun.’ Daniele shook his head and sighed fondly. Niki was surprised to see Daniele actually come in person. But he thought it was quite understandable. James was deeply loved by family, friends and even foes.

  
Niki looked at James one last time. Then, he stepped back and watched James’ sister close down the lid.

  
Niki stayed until the end of funeral, when everyone left. He stood up and untied the balloon which he put it back yesterday.

  
He grabbed the balloon and walked out of the church. The weather in June was really beautiful in England.

  
Niki walked along the road for a while, when he saw a wedding outside another church. The newly wedded young couple were laughing with their friends and families. The bride was about to throw the bouquet, her bridesmaids were all waiting behind, giggling hysterically.

  
James wouldn’t mind sharing some happiness before he left. Niki looked at the balloon thoughtfully. 

  
Niki relaxed his grip, watching the balloon drift to the sky.

At the same time, one girl caught the flower and exclaimed excitingly.

  
Niki cracked a tiny smile.

  
The balloon had already gone high enough that Niki could barely see. As quick as ever.

  
_Goodbye, James. Till next time._

**Author's Note:**

> Egon Muller*: Egon Muller Scharzhofberger Riesling Trockenbeerenauslese, White Wine, from Mosel, Germany. Average Price of each bottle is $13,220.  
> I upset myself by writing this.  
> But after reading James' Biography and watching Niki's interviews so many times, I feel I have to write this by myself. I know so many brilliant writers have already done it. This fic is really to give me some peace. The balloon idea is actually from a video I watched on youtube. On a funeral for a young boy, a balloon was unnaturally flying to the crying mom and circling around like giving the mom comforts. I cried my eyes out.  
> If the fiction upsets you, I apologize.  
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
